Christmas Musings

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair."      

A Tale of Two Cities

"Reflect upon your present blessings of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some."

A Christmas Carol

"I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the past, the present, and the future. The spirits of all three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach."  

A Christmas Carol

"Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has helped me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken but - I hope - into a better shape." 

 Great Expectations

As I laid in bed last night (Christmas Eve) having trouble staying asleep and trying to figure out why the first quote above -from A Tale of Two Cities came to mind. I feel like after everything I've had going on for a year now that sometimes I flat out don't know entirely how I feel or what I'm thinking sometimes when people ask. I have absolutely loved the Christmas season from a very young age - and not for the reasons you may be expecting a younger child to have. I can honestly say that once I knew and understood the concept of Santa that it was never about the gifts. I don't recall asking for "big ticket item" presents or toys often at all. In fact, i probably didn't start doing that until I was old enough to know an approximate amount that my parents spent on me personally for the big day.

I was that kid who whole-heartedly loved the magic or the spirit of Christmas. Even now, I'm perfectly happy getting the usual books, clothing items, and a surprise or two. Receiving gifts is most decidedly not my love language though I still appreciate them because of who they have come from, I was about 9 or 10 when I "officially" found out that Santa wasn't real - for those who care to know I overheard a late-night conversation between my mom and a visiting aunt on my way to the restroom. However, I simply chose to ignore that conversation and go right on believing. My mom didn't even know when I knew until she asked me a few years ago and said she never would have guessed I knew that young from how I acted at the time.

For me Christmas is family gatherings, ward parties, the music, the quiet.  Stillness that seems to come with winter, time spent with friends, time spent thinking more about others than yourself as you think of the perfect gift for them, time remembering Jesus Christ and all that goes along with that, thinking that even for a moment that all must be right in the world... I could go on but I'll stop the list there.

All that to get to this point -last night-where for possibly the first time ever I found myself not

as excited for Christmas as I have been for years and years. A few more thoughts beyond that had me realizing that this year I've mostly been going through the motions of Christmas all the while not feeling the true Christmas spirit that I have so come to love. In reality, I've probably been simply going through the motions of a lot of things this year. Don't get me wrong - I still believe the whole holiday season is magical and it has still been wonderful experiencing things through the eyes of our sweet toddler boy. But for whatever reason all of this was bothering me last night. Last Christmas - cue singing here -being in the worst pain I've ever been in because of my cyst I still feel like I absolutely loved every aspect of the holiday so why haven't I been the same this year?

The best answer I've come up with relates-once again - to that quote from A Tale of Two Cities. Although it could arguably be the best of times, being Christmas and all, last night I also realized it is the worst of times. I had only been discharged after receiving chemotherapy one

night prior. As a result I am simply not feeling the best. I also feel that in some ways I'm back to where I was a year ago. I know why I am sick and in occasional pain now however, I'm quickly coming to a point where I'll have more questions than answers again. The biggest difference now is knowing in advance that some of those questions can't be answered right away. I also know that some answers won't be as direct of an answer as I want. Cancer is a tricky thing you know?

Continuing on... "It was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity.".  I still very much believe that God and Christ are entirely aware of my struggles, thoughts, and worries. Obviously, I hope more than anything that my cancer will completely go away knowing that logically it will probably simply be manageable. But I still fully believe that miracles happen. I believe all those things only for occasional flickers of doubt or fear making me forget some of those things even but for a small moment.  

Then, the second quote about reflecting on blessings versus misfortunes comes to mind and once again I find myself hopeful again because I have so many wonderful & beautiful blessings to be found on the daily. Focusing on one's blessings is something that buoys spirit up again and the cycle goes on from there.

Continuing on, "I will live in the past, present, and the future... I will not shut out the lessons that they teach" and, "I have been bent and broken but - I hope-into a better shape.". All borrowed words from none other than Charles Dickens who truly was a master at putting the penultimate human experience into words. After all of these quotes came to mind the conclusion, I came to in the wee hours of Christmas morning was this- though in many ways I've been going through the motions all year and even though I didn't feel as Christmassy this year as I would have liked it is all okay and here is why. 

As it has been said in one way or another for years you really can't experience true joy & happiness without having also experienced grief, or pain, or despair, etc.  I can't say that I fully believed that concept myself until this everything that has happened in a year’s time but now I echo the truth of it as many have before me. Perhaps one of the most important things I have learned this year is that it's perfectly okay, normal even, if you feel that one day- or minute, or hour, or season - has been spent in the valley of despair only to find that suddenly, the next day you have been whisked away to the

mountain peak of joy, happiness, and all that is good. I've definitely experienced both the valley and the peak of the mountain many times this year and I can confidently assure all of you that the joy and the blessings will always ultimately overshadow all the sad and hard things that life throws at us.

I'll end my philosophical musings here with one last thought being that now with Christmas day drawing to a close and my worries/concerns of last night being behind me I know that tomorrow is a bright, new day - a chance to once again be more hopeful again. I may have been a bit more down this holiday season than I normally am but I have still experienced many moments where all feels right in my world.

Sorry in advance if I have bored any of you to death with my musings but I'll end this post with an official cancer update. Having just completed round 5 out of 6 I will soon find myself among what sounds like a rather small handful of patients who make it through all 6 rounds of this particular chemo in one straight shot. I feel like that will be something worth celebrating. Should anyone have any ideas of something fun to do in January that doesn't cost too much feel free to pass those ideas on to me. Chemo week occurred without anything of note to share and the next form of attack still isn't entirely decided. I'm just happy to report that with each passing cycle I feel more hopeful of more to come - more time, more happiness, more strength to get through this fight I'm in with cancer, and more of all the simple things that lift my spirit each day.

I'll sign off now with love and the hope that you all have a Happy New Years and that any of you who may be facing challenges of your own are able to find peace in your journey. Don't forget to count your blessing above all else as we go into a new year.

P.S. should anyone need book recommendations for the new year I'll put a plug in for the three novels above- the quotes I shared at the beginning of this post. They definitely aren't as light-hearted as the cutesy romances that so many of us women love to read. However, I will say they are all more than worthy of being read and that how I feel/think about some things truly changed in no small part because I have read these same three books myself and others similar in style.